Scene: A darkened living room, lit only by the glow of a t.v. screen. A young couple are “necking” on the couch.
T.V. News Report:
Police are looking for an escaped mental patient in the Greenville area. More information following our Wheel of Fortune marathon.
[Sounds of a storm.]
Dave and Crystal:
[Assorted smooching sounds.]
[A shuffling or scraping noise from offstage.]
Crystal:
[Breaking off kiss] Did you hear that?
Dave:
Hear what? [He moves to kiss her again, but she stops him.]
Crystal:
I thought I heard something in the kitchen.
Dave:
There’s a loose shutter by the window. It makes noise sometimes.
[They kiss again. Suspenseful music plays. A figure walks up behind the couple.]
All Three:
Aahh!!
Dave:
Dad!
Crystal:
You live with your father?
Dave:
I thought you were going to stay upstairs?
Dad:
I wanted a sandwich. I didn’t realize I’d be stepping into Sodom and Gomorrah here.
Dave:
We were just kissing.
Dad:
“Just kissing”? I didn’t kiss your mother like that until we’d been married for eight years, and even then she had half a bottle of rye in her. But you go back to your “just kissing”. I don’t want to interrupt you on your way to eternal damnation.
Dave:
Dad, I’m 29 years old.
Dad:
Yes, but as long as you’re living under my roof…
Dave:
This is my house. You moved in with me, remember?
Dad:
How could I forget? You keep rubbing it in. [To crystal] There I was – alone, about to be thrown out on the streets, and I had to beg my only son to let me live with him. After all I did for him as a child. He wouldn’t have been able to afford this house if I hadn’t worked so hard to put him through school.
Dave:
You were laid off from the factory when I was six. Mom put me through school.
Dad:
And it’s a good thing your mother isn’t here to see this. God rest her soul.
Dave:
Why do you keep saying that?
Dad:
What?
Dave:
God rest her soul. She isn’t dead. You know perfectly well that mom’s living with that chartered accountant in Kingston.
Dad:
Well, it’s still a good thing that she isn’t here to see the two of you locked together in that sweaty embrace. Your lips pressed together, your bodies writhing with carnal ecstasy, your heated blood surging through your sweaty flesh… Uh, you don’t think that the three of us could…
Dave:
Dad!
Crystal:
Mr. Hatfield!
Dave:
Where do you get an idea like that?
Dad:
Nowhere.
Dave:
C’mon, I know all about those magazines under your bed.
[Dad looks at the floor, sheepishly.]
Dave:
[Moves over to Dad, consolingly.] I know the last few decades have been hard for you, but you’ll get through this. You know I love you, don’t you?
[Dad nods.]
Dave:
Then give me a kiss.
[They kiss. Then they kiss again more deeply. Crystal freaks out and leaves.]
Dad:
I’m sorry I spoiled your date, Son.
Dave:
That’s okay, Dad. [He strokes his father’s face.] You know what, Dad?
Dad:
What?
Dave:
I miss Mom.
Dad:
Me too, Son. Me, too.
[They exit room, arm and arm.]