Bill:
Uh, hi. I’m here to see Dr. Malone.
Doc:
Doctor Malone’s on vacation. I’m Doctor Kathryn Hall. I’m taking care of Doctor Malone’s patients while he’s gone.
Bill:
Oh. I – I guess that’ll be ok. I just need to have a physical for my health plan at work.
Doc:
All right then I need you to strip down and hop up on the examining table.
Bill:
You know I’ve never been to a woman doctor before.
Doc:
It’s just like going to a male doctor, I assure you. There’s nothing to be nervous or self-conscious about.
[She turns and sees Bill in his tacky, novelty boxer shorts and dress socks and undershirt. She stifles a chuckle.]
Bill:
What? I knew I shouldn’t have worn these today. Maybe I should come back when Dr. Malone is here.
Doc:
Don’t be silly. I’m a doctor. There’s nothing for you to feel self-conscious about. Now take off your shirt.
[Bill removes his shirt and holds in his stomach.]
Doc:
[Behind him with a stethoscope] Take a deep breath.
[Since he’s already holding in his stomach, Bill can only take in a small gulp of air.]
Doc:
Deeper.
[Small breath]
Doc:
Deeper.
[Small breath]
Doc:
Let it out.
[Bill let’s out all of his breath, releasing his paunchy gut.]
[Doc continues doing doctor stuff, like tapping his kidneys and looking in his ears while Bill rambles on.]
Bill:
So, a woman doctor. Did you have to go to a school for that? What am I saying, of course you had to go to school. Look, I’m really uncomfortable. Maybe I should…
Doc:
Mr. Richardson, I am a physician. It makes no difference if I’m a man or a woman. Now we’re almost finished so please let me do my job.
Bill:
You’re right. I’m being stupid. The worst is over, right?
Doc:
Right. Now just turn your head and cough.
Bill:
What?!
Doc:
It’s part of the exam. Please, just turn your head and cough.
Bill:
Nooooo way. Uh, uh. I’m a happily married man. You’re not allowed to look there. No ma’am.
Doc:
It’s a simple procedure. It just takes a second. It’s done thousands of times.
Bill:
Slut. [He realizes what he said and clamps his hand over his mouth.]
Doc:
What?
Bill:
I’m sorry! I’m just nervous.
Doc:
Mr. Richardson, I’m starting to be offended here. I am a fully qualified professional. I have earned my right to practice medicine. My gender has absolutely no bearing on my ability as a doctor, and I find your attitude to be both sexist and demeaning.
Bill:
You’re right. I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I apologize.
Doc:
That’s better. Now let’s just get this over with. [She pulls the front elastic of his boxer shorts forward.] It’s just a simple – hello!
[Bill looks embarrassed.]
Doc:
This is a lot easier to do if you’re relaxed.
Bill:
I am so embarassed.
Doc:
No, it’s a normal biological reaction.
Bill:
This never happened with Dr. Malone.
Doc:
You know, this is starting to look like a case of sexual harassment.
Bill:
No. Look, I told you I’m not used to a woman doctor. What am I supposed to do?
Doc:
Make it go away.
Bill:
I’m trying! It’s not working.
Doc:
Think about your grocery list or Andy Rooney or anything.
Bill:
Can’t you just look at whatever you have to look at so we can be done here?
Doc:
I can’t quite make it out. Maybe this will help. [She pulls out really large magnifying goggles.]
[Bill frowns.]
Doc:
Works every time. [Puts goggles aside.] Now, turn your head and cough.
Bill:
Cough.
Doc:
I’ll have your exam results typed up and sent in to your office. Good day, Mr. Richardson.
Bill:
That’s it?
Doc:
You’ll just have to leave a urine sample, but my nurse can take care of that. [Calls] Nurse, can you come here?
[Lou, a large burly man, enters.]
Lou:
Yes?
Doc:
Please show Mr. Richardson where he can give us a urine sample.
Lou:
Yes, Doctor. If you’ll follow me, Mr. Richardson.
Bill:
[Exiting with Lou] You know, I’ve never had a male nurse before. I feel kind of awkward.