Month: September 2025

Bill:

Uh, hi. I’m here to see Dr. Malone.

Doc:

Doctor Malone’s on vacation. I’m Doctor Kathryn Hall. I’m taking care of Doctor Malone’s patients while he’s gone.

Bill:

Oh. I – I guess that’ll be ok. I just need to have a physical for my health plan at work.

Doc:

All right then I need you to strip down and hop up on the examining table.

Bill:

You know I’ve never been to a woman doctor before.

Doc:

It’s just like going to a male doctor, I assure you. There’s nothing to be nervous or self-conscious about.

[She turns and sees Bill in his tacky, novelty boxer shorts and dress socks and undershirt. She stifles a chuckle.]

Bill:

What? I knew I shouldn’t have worn these today. Maybe I should come back when Dr. Malone is here.

Doc:

Don’t be silly. I’m a doctor. There’s nothing for you to feel self-conscious about. Now take off your shirt.

[Bill removes his shirt and holds in his stomach.]

Doc:

[Behind him with a stethoscope] Take a deep breath.

[Since he’s already holding in his stomach, Bill can only take in a small gulp of air.]

Doc:

Deeper.

[Small breath]

Doc:

Deeper.

[Small breath]

Doc:

Let it out.

[Bill let’s out all of his breath, releasing his paunchy gut.]

[Doc continues doing doctor stuff, like tapping his kidneys and looking in his ears while Bill rambles on.]

Bill:

So, a woman doctor. Did you have to go to a school for that? What am I saying, of course you had to go to school. Look, I’m really uncomfortable. Maybe I should…

Doc:

Mr. Richardson, I am a physician. It makes no difference if I’m a man or a woman. Now we’re almost finished so please let me do my job.

Bill:

You’re right. I’m being stupid. The worst is over, right?

Doc:

Right. Now just turn your head and cough.

Bill:

What?!

Doc:

It’s part of the exam. Please, just turn your head and cough.

Bill:

Nooooo way. Uh, uh. I’m a happily married man. You’re not allowed to look there. No ma’am.

Doc:

It’s a simple procedure. It just takes a second. It’s done thousands of times.

Bill:

Slut. [He realizes what he said and clamps his hand over his mouth.]

Doc:

What?

Bill:

I’m sorry! I’m just nervous.

Doc:

Mr. Richardson, I’m starting to be offended here. I am a fully qualified professional. I have earned my right to practice medicine. My gender has absolutely no bearing on my ability as a doctor, and I find your attitude to be both sexist and demeaning.

Bill:

You’re right. I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I apologize.

Doc:

That’s better. Now let’s just get this over with. [She pulls the front elastic of his boxer shorts forward.] It’s just a simple – hello!

[Bill looks embarrassed.]

Doc:

This is a lot easier to do if you’re relaxed.

Bill:

I am so embarassed.

Doc:

No, it’s a normal biological reaction.

Bill:

This never happened with Dr. Malone.

Doc:

You know, this is starting to look like a case of sexual harassment.

Bill:

No. Look, I told you I’m not used to a woman doctor. What am I supposed to do?

Doc:

Make it go away.

Bill:

I’m trying! It’s not working.

Doc:

Think about your grocery list or Andy Rooney or anything.

Bill:

Can’t you just look at whatever you have to look at so we can be done here?

Doc:

I can’t quite make it out. Maybe this will help. [She pulls out really large magnifying goggles.]

[Bill frowns.]

Doc:

Works every time. [Puts goggles aside.] Now, turn your head and cough.

Bill:

Cough.

Doc:

I’ll have your exam results typed up and sent in to your office. Good day, Mr. Richardson.

Bill:

That’s it?

Doc:

You’ll just have to leave a urine sample, but my nurse can take care of that. [Calls] Nurse, can you come here?

[Lou, a large burly man, enters.]

Lou:

Yes?

Doc:

Please show Mr. Richardson where he can give us a urine sample.

Lou:

Yes, Doctor. If you’ll follow me, Mr. Richardson.

Bill:

[Exiting with Lou] You know, I’ve never had a male nurse before. I feel kind of awkward.

Scene: A darkened living room, lit only by the glow of a t.v. screen. A young couple are “necking” on the couch.

T.V. News Report:

Police are looking for an escaped mental patient in the Greenville area. More information following our Wheel of Fortune marathon.

[Sounds of a storm.]

Dave and Crystal:

[Assorted smooching sounds.]

[A shuffling or scraping noise from offstage.]

Crystal:

[Breaking off kiss] Did you hear that?

Dave:

Hear what? [He moves to kiss her again, but she stops him.]

Crystal:

I thought I heard something in the kitchen.

Dave:

There’s a loose shutter by the window. It makes noise sometimes.

[They kiss again. Suspenseful music plays. A figure walks up behind the couple.]

All Three:

Aahh!!

Dave:

Dad!

Crystal:

You live with your father?

Dave:

I thought you were going to stay upstairs?

Dad:

I wanted a sandwich. I didn’t realize I’d be stepping into Sodom and Gomorrah here.

Dave:

We were just kissing.

Dad:

“Just kissing”? I didn’t kiss your mother like that until we’d been married for eight years, and even then she had half a bottle of rye in her. But you go back to your “just kissing”. I don’t want to interrupt you on your way to eternal damnation.

Dave:

Dad, I’m 29 years old.

Dad:

Yes, but as long as you’re living under my roof…

Dave:

This is my house. You moved in with me, remember?

Dad:

How could I forget? You keep rubbing it in. [To crystal] There I was – alone, about to be thrown out on the streets, and I had to beg my only son to let me live with him. After all I did for him as a child. He wouldn’t have been able to afford this house if I hadn’t worked so hard to put him through school.

Dave:

You were laid off from the factory when I was six. Mom put me through school.

Dad:

And it’s a good thing your mother isn’t here to see this. God rest her soul.

Dave:

Why do you keep saying that?

Dad:

What?

Dave:

God rest her soul. She isn’t dead. You know perfectly well that mom’s living with that chartered accountant in Kingston.

Dad:

Well, it’s still a good thing that she isn’t here to see the two of you locked together in that sweaty embrace. Your lips pressed together, your bodies writhing with carnal ecstasy, your heated blood surging through your sweaty flesh… Uh, you don’t think that the three of us could…

Dave:

Dad!

Crystal:

Mr. Hatfield!

Dave:

Where do you get an idea like that?

Dad:

Nowhere.

Dave:

C’mon, I know all about those magazines under your bed.

[Dad looks at the floor, sheepishly.]

Dave:

[Moves over to Dad, consolingly.] I know the last few decades have been hard for you, but you’ll get through this. You know I love you, don’t you?

[Dad nods.]

Dave:

Then give me a kiss.

[They kiss. Then they kiss again more deeply. Crystal freaks out and leaves.]

Dad:

I’m sorry I spoiled your date, Son.

Dave:

That’s okay, Dad. [He strokes his father’s face.] You know what, Dad?

Dad:

What?

Dave:

I miss Mom.

Dad:

Me too, Son. Me, too.

[They exit room, arm and arm.]

Jim:

[Subdued] ‘Morning, Al. How was your weekend?

[Al simply grunts as he shuffles towards the coffee maker with his eyes half shut.]

Al:

Coffee…

[Al takes the pot out of the coffee maker and goes to pour it into his mug. Al shrieks in distress when he discovers the coffee pot is empty.]

Jim:

[Tired and subdued] We’re out of coffee. I checked.

Al:

[Moans]

Judy:

[Trudges in] God, I need some coffee,

Jim:

There is no coffee.

Al:

[Moans again, staring at his empty cup.]

Judy:

What do you mean there’s no coffee? How can we work without coffee? There has to be coffee somewhere. [She grabs Jim by the shirt.] I need my coffee. Someone has to have coffee.

Al:

Coffee…

Tim:

[Sails in, bright, cheerful, and extremely hyper.] Good morning, everyone!

Jim:

We’re out of coffee.

Tim:

[Very peppy] Oh, that’s ok. I’ve got this great idea I’d like to get working on. I figure I can reorganize the file system for all our accounts. Judy, did you get a haircut? It looks great! Anyways, with the files, I figured we could…

Judy:

Didn’t you hear him? There’s no coffee.

Al:

[Sobs.]

Jim:

[Comforts Al.] There, there. It’ll be okay.

Judy:

Ok?! Everything’s not going to be ok! Look at Al. How can he function without his coffee? How can any of us function? We’re not going to make it I tell you. We’re not going to make it!

[Al is crying now.]

Jim:

Stop, you’re scaring him. [He hugs Al to comfort him.]

Tim:

Oh well, better get started on my project. Excuse me.

[Tim leaps over to his desk and ducks behind it. The sound of an espresso machine is heard. He comes out from behind the desk, wiping his lips, then leaps over to get some files.]

Judy:

How come you’re not tired like the rest of us?

Tim:

What? Oh, yes. I’m tired. I’m very tired. See? [Tim is incredibly hyper trying to pretend he’s tired.]

Judy:

What have you got under your desk?

Tim:

Nothing! Nothing at all. Nothing’s under my desk. Well, back to work.

Judy:

What’s that on your breath?

Tim:

Nothing! I just want to get back to my collating…

Judy:

You’re holding out on us, aren’t you? Aren’t you?

[Al, with a Frankenstein-like groan, pushes Tim aside and reaches under the desk. He pulls out an espresso machine.]

Judy:

I knew it! Espresso!

Tim:

[Grabs the machine from Al.] That’s mine!

Jim:

We really need that espresso.

Tim:

No, it’s mine.

[The group closes in on Tim who is hugging the machine defensively.]

Judy:

Give it to me!

[They struggle over the machine. Finally, the machine breaks apart, sending Tim sprawling. He hits his head on the corner of the desk and collapses.]

Jim:

[Bends over Tim’s body] Great, now Johnson’s dead.

Judy:

Never mind that, what about the espresso maker?

Jim:

It’s broken.

Judy:

Fix it!

Jim:

[Sobbing] I don’t know how.

Judy:

There has to be caffeine still in his bloodstream! We can drink that!

[Judy dives under the desk. She reaches up to pull a pencil off the desk and stabs it down like a knife.]

Mr. Maxwell:

[Enters] Hi, sorry I’m late. I remembered we were out of coffee so I stopped to pick some up for everyone.

[Judy sticks her head up, her face has blood on it. Al rushes over and grabs a cup of coffee and guzzles it.]

Maxwell:

So, did I miss anything important?

[Everyone avoids his gaze.]

Maxwell:

Say, where’s Johnson?

Judy:

Uh, he had to step out.

Al:

Can I have his coffee?