[Setting: A home whose first floor has been converted into a tea shop. Walter, a man in his mid thirties, is practicing a magic trick (the linking rings, for example). Walter is a stutterer. His stuttering gets worse when he is nervous, but lessens when he gets angry. The phone rings. Walter steels himself before answering.]
Walter:
T- T- Tea for T- Two Tea Shoppe. C – C- Can I help you? Mom? W- What are you – No, I don’t have any kids yet. I know you want g- grandchildren but – No, I’m not being selfish. Why not? Because I’m not married, that’s why! No, I’m not g- gay. I’m not talking about this over the phone. I’m hanging up now. I said I’m hanging up the phone. Goodbye, Mother. I said ‘goodbye’.
[Walter hangs up the phone angrily. He walks over to the stairs and shouts up.]
Walter:
Why don’t you just come downstairs to talk to me?
[A bell jingles as the main door to the shop opens. Kevin enters, excited, carrying a bucket. He is the proverbial fast-talker.]
Kevin:
Walter, it’s your lucky day!
Walter:
You’re going to p- pay me the money you still owe me?
Kevin:
What? No. I paid you back weeks ago, remember? We’re square now.
Walter:
N- n- no you didn’t. You still owe m- me…
Kevin:
[talking over him without missing a beat] You’re never going to believe what I’ve got for you. You’re not going to believe this. You are going to be so excited. You know I go across to Detroit every week to play cards, right? Well, I got there early so I’m killing time waiting for Charlie, and I wander into this old antique shop downtown. And you’ll never guess what I find. Go ahead and guess. No, don’t even bother. I’ll show you.
[Kevin drops the bucket on the table and pulls out a length of old chain. He looks at Walter expectantly.]
Kevin:
Well? Am I the best friend you ever had or what?
Walter:
A ch- chain?
Kevin:
Not just any chain. Houdini’s chain! You collect that old magic crap, right? When I saw this I knew you’d have to have it. Houdini escaped from this very chain in the London Hippodrome in 1908 or 1922 or something. Houdini is your idol, isn’t he?
Walter:
[taken aback] Well, y-yes he is. Th – Thank you, Kevin. I don’t know what to say.
Kevin:
Please, that’s what friends are for, right? We look out for each other. I knew the instant I saw this that you’d want it, four hundred dollars or no four hundred dollars.
Walter:
F- Four hundred dollars?
Kevin:
It’s Houdini, right? That’s a rusty pile of magic history, that’s what that is. You can’t put a price on history. So if I could just get that four hundred dollars from you I’ll be on my way…
Walter:
You want me to give you four h-hundred dollars?!
Kevin:
It’s Houdini. Master escape artist.
Walter:
H- How do you even know these belonged to him?
Kevin:
I knew you’d ask that! I was standing in the shop, and I thought “Walter’s going to want to know for sure that this was Houdini’s.” So I asked the owner of the shop, and he had a certificate of proof.
[Kevin takes a piece of paper from his pocket, unfolds it, and hands it to Walter.]
Kevin:
It’s printed by a computer and has a picture of a seal and everything.
Walter:
“Certificate” is sp- spelled wrong.
Kevin:
C’mon, Walter. If I knew you were going to be such a stick in the mud about this, I never would have bothered. I was just trying to do something nice for you.
[The bell jingles again as the door opens. Molly enters, excited. Walter’s face lights up when he sees her.]
Walter:
M- Molly. H- H- Hi.
Molly:
This has been the best day of my life!
Walter:
R- Really? W- What’s going on?
Kevin:
[Trying to interrupt, but no one is paying attention to him.] Walter, I really need that money now.
Molly:
You are now talking to a published author.
Walter:
You mean?
Molly:
Yes! I got a letter from Hallmark. They’re publishing the greeting card I wrote!
Walter:
That’s t- terrific!
Kevin:
Hey, that’s great, Molly. Way to go!
Walter:
Let me m- make you some tea to celebrate. I’ll make you your favourite.
Kevin:
You’ve wanted to be a writer since high school. This is a big deal for you. Wow, Hallmark.
[The phone rings. As always, Walter steels himself at the prospect of talking to a stranger.]
Walter:
Tea for T- Two Tea Shoppe. C-C- Can I help you?
Molly:
Well, it’s not Hallmark per se. It’s Sweet Sentiments – a subsidiary of Hallmark.
Walter:
[on the phone] Mom? N- No, I’m not having a party.
Molly:
Ok, a subsidiary of a subsidiary, but still!
Walter:
Yes, you hear voices. They’re c- customers!
Kevin:
So did they send you an advance?
Walter:
No. No. I have to go.
[Walter hangs up the phone.]
Walter:
So t- tell me about your card.
Kevin:
Listen, Walter. I really need to get that money from you.
Molly:
It goes like this:
I had a great time last night
And I hope that you did too.
With you I can be myself
It felt great to talk with you.
You were so cute and funny.
It was a date like no other.
But what I realized is
I love you like a brother.
Let’s just be friends.
Walter:
Oh. That’s a- a-
Kevin:
That’s cold, that’s what that is.
Molly:
No, it’s not. They’re going to put a picture of a puppy on it so it will make you feel good. It’s a part of their “Break It To Them Gently” series.
Kevin:
That’s great, Molly. It really is, but Walter, I really need to get that money.
Molly:
What money?
Walter:
It’s nothing.
Kevin:
It’s not nothing. I do something nice for you and then you stiff me.
Molly:
What’s he talking about?
Kevin:
I got him a one-of-a-kind collector’s item. A genuine piece of history.
Molly:
What? This old chain?
Kevin:
That old chain was used by Harry Houdini himself in one of his most famous escapes ever.
Molly:
Really? Walter, you love Houdini.
Walter:
I- I- j- just-
Molly:
[looking through the bucket] Here’s the lock. Where’s the key?
Kevin:
[making an excuse]Key?… There is no key. Houdini didn’t use keys.
Molly:
Is this real?
Walter:
C- Can we forget about the chain for now? W- We were t- talking about you. You m- must be s- s- so excited.
Molly:
Oh, I am!
[Kevin’s cell phone rings. He steps aside to answer it.]
Molly:
And I haven’t told you the best part!
Kevin:
[on his phone] Charlie! I didn’t think you had this number.
Molly:
Sweet Sentiments didn’t just buy my card. They offered me a staff position. I’m going to be writing for them full time!
Kevin:
[on his phone] No, I have your money.
Walter:
F- Full time?
Kevin:
[on phone] I wouldn’t lie to you, Charlie. I know what you do to people who lie to you.
Molly:
Yes! Ahem:
They offered her a job you see.
A dream come true is what it’d be.
And since it did behove her,
She’s moving to Vancouver.
I’m moving to Vancouver!
[Walter is stunned.]
Kevin:
[on phone] You’re coming here? How do you even know where I am?
Walter:
Vancouver?
Molly:
Isn’t it fantastic?
Walter:
Fantastic.
[Walter is speechless. He steps off with his back to everyone. The chain is on the table beside him.]
Kevin:
[on phone] Fantastic! I’ll see you in a couple of minutes then. Yes, with your money.
[Kevin hangs up and puts his cell phone away.]
Kevin:
Walter, I need that money now. You have to listen to me. I really need that money.
Molly:
Kevin, what’s going on?
Kevin:
I lost a lot of money at a card game last week.
Molly:
Kevin!
Kevin:
I had a straight! I didn’t think I could lose. The point is that I owe someone $400, and they are about to come in here and collect. And if I don’t have their money, I am in big trouble.
[Walter absentmindedly fiddles with the chain. ]
Molly:
Just explain to them that you’ll have to pay them later. I’m sure they’ll understand.
Kevin:
It’s an American.
Molly:
Oh, shit.
Kevin:
I am so dead if I don’t have that money.
Molly:
Maybe you can sneak out the-
[The bell jingles again. Molly and Kevin freeze. Charlie enters. She has a gangster look about her. She walks around the shop likes she owns the place.]
Charlie:
Hello, Kevin, people who aren’t Kevin. I assume you know why I’m here so we can skip the small talk. Why don’t we step outside, Kevin, and we can take care of our business?
Molly:
He’s not going anywhere with you.
Charlie:
Look, this doesn’t have to be big dramatic production. Kevin owes me some money, and he’s going to pay me. It’s simple… Unless you don’t have the money.
Kevin:
Well, I, uh…
Charlie:
Because if you don’t have the money, that would be very inconvenient. For both of us.
[In the background, his back still to everyone, Walter quietly begins to wrap the chain around his waist.]
Molly:
No, he has the money. Here. [Molly fishes a piece of paper out of her pocket and hands it to Charlie.]
Charlie:
[reading] This is a letter from the Sweet Sentiments greeting card company.
Molly:
Yes. See, it says right there that they’re offering me a job. I start next week so that would put my first pay cheque on the 12th. I can send you what Kevin owes you then.
Charlie:
Tempting, but no. C’mon, Kevin, we’re taking that walk now.
[Walter takes the chain and slips it around Molly, Kevin, and himself and snaps the lock shut.]
Walter:
N- Nobody’s going anywhere. [To Molly] Nobody’s going anywhere.
Charlie:
Very funny what you did there. Now give me the key.
Walter:
T- There is no key. You can’t t- take all of us.
Charlie:
We’ll see about that. There’s got to be a key somewhere.
[Charlie begins searching the shop.]
Walter:
M- Molly, don’t go to Vancouver.
Molly:
What? Why?
[The phone rings.]
Kevin:
Can we talk about this later?
[Charlie picks up the phone.]
Charlie:
Hello? No, he’s tied up right now.
Walter:
[struggling to get it out without stuttering] I don’t want you to leave.
Molly:
Walter, what are you talking about?
Charlie:
[on the phone] No, it’s not a party.
Walter:
[Exhales slowly and then starts talking] W- When I turned ten, I wanted to have a big birthday party. I’d never had a party before. You remember the kids at school always m- made fun of m- me because of the way I talked?
Molly:
What has this got to do with –
Charlie:
[on the phone] No, I’m not seeing anyone right now… I love kids.
Walter:
I t- thought that if I had a big party – a really big party, the b- best party anyone had ever b- been to – then the kids would all like me. I invited the whole class. And we had bouncy things, and games, and cake, and… nobody came. N- Nobody came to my birthday party. I waited. I- I thought maybe- maybe the time was wrong on the invitations b- b- b- because that could happen. B- But none of the kids came. And it hurt so much. I- I was just a little k- kid. And then, and then the door bell rang. It was you. You said you were sorry you were late and handed me a present. It was a m- m- m-
Molly:
[remembering] It was a magic set.
Charlie:
[on the phone] Listen, you don’t know where Walter keeps his cash box, do you?
Walter:
It was a magic set. It w- was the first… It was wonderful. And then we just p- played the rest of the day together. The two of us.
Molly:
You used to show me those magic tricks all the time.
Walter:
I learned everyone of them.
Charlie:
[on the phone] Thanks! I’ll talk to you soon. [hangs up]
Molly:
You loved magic.
[In the background, Charlie opens the cash box. She pulls a handkerchief out. It turns out to be tied to another and another and another.]
Walter:
I loved y– It g- gave me a reason to t- talk to you. Molly, I- I- [he struggles to get the next words out without stuttering] I don’t want you to leave.
[Molly looks at Walter. Really looks at him. Then she kisses him.]
Kevin:
[while they kiss] Well, this is awkward.
Charlie:
It’s pathetic, that’s what it is.
Molly:
Why don’t you just leave? Walter was right – you can’t take all of us.
Charlie:
You’re right, I can’t. But it turns out I don’t have to. [She holds up some cash from the cash box] I’ve got my money plus interest.
Walter:
T-That’s mine.
Charlie:
What are you going to do? C-Chase me? Look at it this way: You saved your friend, I got my money, you got the girl, your mother may get grandkids… We all won. Everyone should be happy.
Kevin:
You creep! It’s a good thing I’m tied up or I’d show you a thing or two.
Charlie:
Right. Good thing. So should I save you a seat at the game next week?
[Kevin nods.]
Charlie:
[calling upstairs] Bye, Grace!
[ Charlie exits. The others stand there, wrapped in chain.]
Kevin:
You guys saved my life.
Molly:
You do know how to get us out of these chains, don’t you Walter?
[Lights fade to black]
Molly:
Walter?
Kevin:
You know, I meant to go to your birthday party, but I had mono that day.
Molly:
Walter???